Til Death: sooner please!
by Rock the free world
Summary: It was the day of Link's 63rd birthday, as well as the 40th anniversary of his wedding with his beautiful wife, Zelda. Unfortunately for poor Link, however, this date happened to also coincide with a certain time of month for Zelda...


**I've hit a bit of a writer's block recently, and the only way I know how to blow past that is either take a break from writing for a while, or exert all of my creativeness into a one-shot. I'm not so keen on taking a break from writing, so I guess I'm gonna do a oneshot. ;D It's meant to be funny, by the way, so no bashing about how I'm out of character, or how I have references to modern day... stuff. xD (can't think of the word)**

**By the way, the story changes perspectives a lot throughout the whole thing. I think it gives better insight on what each character is thinking if I change it up a bit ;D**

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Zelda proceeded slowly down to the Great Hall, feeling very dazed and bubbly this morning. She stumbled past people - often times bumping into them. "Pardon me, dearie!" she said in a high-pitched voice as she knocked over a maid. "Good morning, daaahling. How are ya?" Butler. "Whoopsie!" Courtier.

Taking a seat, finally, at the head of the table, Zelda grabbed a bowl of oatmeal. She dug her spoon into the gray, lumpy mass. Her eyes were wide as she collected a large glop. Raising the spoon, she swung her hand towards her face. She missed. Again. Miss. It went like this for several minutes, and by the time she actually got it in, more of it was on her dress than in her stomach.

Giggling, Zelda snorted into a plate of eggs. She noticed the hunched figure sitting next to her, and raised an eyebrow curiously. Her mouth full of eggs, she leaned sideways to see who it was. She screamed as she fell off her seat, and sent her breakfast flying into the air. The maids her yogurt landed on were not happy. Still laughing like a maniac, Zelda swung back up. "I'm good! As good as a.... a pig sleeping in a.... a teapot!"

Taking her seat back, Zelda resumed trying to figure out the identity of her next-seat neighbor. Craning her neck, she fell onto the floor with a thump and crawled on the ground. She sat on her butt in front of the person's legs, and brought her head face-to-face with the person. "Oh, hello stranger!" She said, widening her eyes as she realized the person was who else but the love of her life, King Link.

He smiled warmly, kissing his love on the forehead.

"You look radiant this morning, love. Not that you don't always." He tenderly brushed back a stray lock of gray hair, his wrinkled eyes shining with a boyish love.

"Don't touch me, you fiend!" screamed Zelda, slapping away his hand. Link looked at her utterly bewildered.

"Is everything alright, Zelda, my dear?"

"Are you calling me_ fat_?" cried Zelda, tears starting to flow down her aged face. "_Well, I'm sorry I can't be the hot sexbomb I used to be, Link, but you ain't so pretty yourself anymore_!" She gripped her stomach in her fingers, flopping it up and down as she screamed maniacally at Link. "Look at my thunder thighs! Ugh, what's happened to me?" Suddenly, her anger vanished, as she began to break down sobbing.

Poor Link hadn't a clue what was going on.

"Zelda! Get a hold of yourself!"

Zelda sprung up from the volume of Link's voice. There was a loud thunk as her head hit the table. After several minutes, she said, "Ouch." Blinking, she rubbed her head, which was aching even more now, and crawled slightly out towards the light. Still underneath the table, she quickly snatched a butterknife from the table and recoiled to the darkness. Running the edge of the blade over her fingertips, her eyes gleamed. She was really not to be trusted with sharp things when she was feeling "womanly", even if it was a butterknife and even if she was 63 years old.

Mischevously, she crept forward and tied Link's bootlaces together. Stifling a laugh, she crawled slowly to the left. Her eyes shifting from side to side, she grabbed another butterknife from the table. One in each hand, she struck a ninja pose and said, "I'm Chuck Norris!" Stabbing the air several times, she laughed and threw them on the ground. They slid into the wood cleanly about two inches, even as butterknives.

As Link saw Zelda about to slam the butter knives into what he was positive would be his feet, he made a sound very similar to a squeak and quickly brought his knees up to his chest. A light seemed to go off his head, a light that he shared with every male in existence. When a woman was behaving strangely at a certain time of month, you _run_.

Still staring wide-eyed at the knives that were now sticking up out of the floor, he forced himself to stop shaking. "I'm... I'm going now." Even as he said it, he knew that he wouldn't be able to stand up without collapsing. Still, he lowered his feet cautiously back to the ground and attempted to stand up, resulting in him sliding backwards off the bench onto the floor behind him.

Zelda's eyes snapped to Link, who had just collapsed back into his chair. "Oh, no you're not," she said quietly. Her lips twisting into her oh so familiar wry smile, her eyes glittered. She jumped up, and threw a handful of confetti into the air and on the table. "The fun's just begun!" There were many cries of complaints and "The Queen's finally lost it - she's gone senile!", but Zelda ignored them. She ran to the other end of the table and grabbed five steak knives. STEAK KNIVES. Much sharper, longer... _deadlier._

"Y'know, my uncle taught me how to juggle with a partner!" she announced. A look of glee on her face, she threw the knives into the air one by one and caught them. Without waiting, or caring, about Link's say in it, she threw the knives straight at him.

Link jumped as confetti fell on his lap, staring up at Zelda with what might very well have been fear. The look doubled when she returned with the steak knives, and the fact that he was in the most vulnerable position was not helping. She wouldn't kill him... Not because he didn't question her sanity of course, but she wasn't stupid. At least, that's what he was counting on. She loved him too much to kill him... right? "Happy birthday to me," he sang in a lofty voice.

"Birthday?" said Zelda, stopping his her tracks as her mouth fell agape. She sprinted straight out of the Great Hall and disappeared. After several minutes, she returned with several torches. "Fire-eating!" she squealed in delight, tossing a torch to Link. "For your present, I'm gonna teach you to eat fire!"

Without further ado, Link's eyes rolled back in his head as he fainted.

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**I think I'll leave it at that. Link's had enough torturing for one day, the poor soul xD**


End file.
